January 24th, 2012
|07:57 pm - Bad joke thread!|
Q: What is the technical, medical name for a
calcium KERATIN deposit often found in the nose?
A: A fingernail!
keratin isn't calcium based...is it?
Not really; it's just a similar protein to skin and hair. o.o
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
|Date:||January 25th, 2012 09:40 am (UTC)|| |
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a penis?
A: A man
Edited at 2012-01-25 11:09 am (UTC)
"What, you think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
|Date:||January 25th, 2012 09:43 am (UTC)|| |
Q: Who takes care of an elephant's skin?
A: A Pachydermatologist.
|Date:||January 25th, 2012 09:47 am (UTC)|| |
Also, one of my favourite "what do you get" riddles:
Q: What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
|Date:||January 25th, 2012 11:08 am (UTC)|| |
|Date:||January 25th, 2012 01:55 pm (UTC)|| |
Learned from a 7 year old. You have been warned.
How do you make a dog meow?
Stick them in the freezer then run them through the band saw - Meeeeeeeeoooow.
How do you make a cat bark?
Soak them in gasoline and throw a match on them - WOOOF.
I did warn you these were bad jokes from a 7 year old.
What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
You can use a pitchfork to unload dead babies!
, the classic:
Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A: Dr Dre!
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
Q: Whats a Pirates favorite letter?
(wait for them to answer R!)
A: You think it would be, but the answer is actually "C"
What do you get when you insert Human DNA into a Goat?
Banned from the Petting zoo.
|Date:||January 26th, 2012 06:43 am (UTC)|| |
How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate its tit a lot.
What did the sushi say to the honeybee?
What's brown and bubbly and knocks on the window?
A baby in the microwave.
What's red and gooey and climbs up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?
There was a face off in the corner.
What do elephants use for tampons?
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.
What do you get when you cut a baby in half with a machete?
Two chemists walk into a bar. The bartender says "So what can I get you?"
The first chemist says "After a a long day of chemistry, there's nothing I want more than a big glass of H2O."
Bartender says "Sure, no problem. How about you?"
The second chemist says "That sounds great, I'll have some H2O, too!"
The second chemist died.
Three logicians walk into a bar.
The bartender says "So, do any of you want a beer?"
The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logician says "I don't know."
The third logician says "No."
|Date:||January 27th, 2012 07:59 pm (UTC)|| |
A 3 legged dog walked into a bar and said "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron walks into a bar and says "How much for a drink?" Bartender says "For you, no charge."
What does a vulture take on a plane?
What hangs upside down on a tree and coughs?
A hoarse chestnut.
The bartender said "We don't get many time travelers here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Said one atom to another, "I've lost an electron!"
The second replied, "Are you sure?"
Said the first, "I'm positive!"
At a conference, fires broke out in the wastebaskets of an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician in the middle of the night.
The engineer filled his ice bucket with water, threw it on the fire, putting it out, and went back to bed.
The physicist measured the wastebasket, filled a flask with precisely the necessary amount of water, threw it on the fire, putting it out, and went back to bed.
The mathematician looked at the fire, then at the ice bucket, said, "Ah, a solution exists!" and went back to bed.
The mathematician placed his wastebasket in the engineer's room, reducing the problem to one that has already been solved.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One - he hands it to six Russians, thus reducing the joke to a previously-told one.
On the nest, a mother duck suddenly lays an orange. One of the ducklings says to another, "Look at the orange mama laid!"
Q. What do you get when you go down on an older person?
A beaver and a termite walk into a bar. They tap on the bar and say, "We're hungry. Is the bar tender here?"
Did you here about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
(Oh, I could go on. I could.)
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
"Keep the tip!"
Q: What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A: A BA-BOOM!
Q: What do you call a cow with one leg?
A: Lean beef.
Q: What do you call a twitchy cow?
A: Beef jerky.
Q: What do you call a cow stuck in a barbed wire fence?
A: Udder destruction.
Dammit, I'm trying to find that cartoon cow in the barbed wire with the "This is not funny" caption and I can't.
|Date:||January 28th, 2012 02:26 am (UTC)|| |
Why do cows have bells?
BECAUSE THEIR HORNS DON'T WORK!
Do you know the difference between an elephant and a post box?
Well, I'm not sending you to post any letters.
|Date:||January 28th, 2012 02:38 am (UTC)|| |
Q. What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?
Q. What do you sing when driving?
Q. What swings from cake to cake?
Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A. Great big holes all over Australia.
Q. What's the largest species of ant?
A. The eleph-ant.
Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a camel?
... I'm back home with access to my terrible, terrible joke books. No-one is safe.
Q: What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?
A: NOTHING! You can't cross a vector and a scalar!
|Date:||January 28th, 2012 02:47 am (UTC)|| |
Q. What goes click click click click "How 'bout now?"
A. A blind person with a Rubik's cube.
Q. What's got four eyes and a mouth?
A. The Mississipi (okay, that works better as a spoken joke).
|Date:||January 28th, 2012 02:47 am (UTC)|| |
|Date:||January 28th, 2012 03:08 am (UTC)|| |
Q. What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine-shaft?
A. A flat miner.
"Why did you give up tap dancing?"
"I fell into the sink and broke my ankles."
I stole a calendar yesterday.
I got twelve months.
Q: What key does a mosquito sing in?
A: EEEEEEEEEE *clap* flat.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger!"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, we will not execute you for three days. Before then, I grant you three requests. Now, what is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger thinks about it, and says "I’d like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed.
“You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde, on his back.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.“You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?”
The Lone Ranger responds,
“I’d like to speak to my horse, … alone.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully. For the last time, I said 'BRING POSSE'"
Edited at 2012-01-29 03:35 pm (UTC)
|Date:||February 1st, 2012 05:55 am (UTC)|| |
Oh, long form?
When I have the occasional bad day and need to take it out on someone, I don't take it out on my loved ones anymore...
I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "for sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better.
This anger management thing really works!
|Date:||January 29th, 2012 11:52 am (UTC)|| |
What is the correct grammatical term for Santa's little helpers?
|Date:||January 29th, 2012 04:37 pm (UTC)|| |
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?